COMPARING THE PRICE OF PETROL

THIS WILL MAKE YOU THINK!
Compared with Petrol......
Think a gallon of petrol is expensive?
This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.
Diet Apple Juice 16 oz £1.29 ........... £10.32 per gallon.
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz £1.19 ........... £9.52 per gallon.
Ocean Spray 16 oz £1.25 ............ £10.00 per gallon.
Brake Fluid 12 oz £3.15 ............. £33.60 per gallon.
Vick’s Nyquil 6 oz £8.35 ........ £178.13 per gallon.
Pepto Bismol 4 oz £3.85 ........... £123.20 per gallon.
Tippex (White out)7 oz £1.39 .......................... £5.42 per gallon.
And this is the REAL KICKER.
Evian water 9 oz £1.49 ……….. £21.19 per gallon.
£21.19 for WATER and the buyers don’t even know the source.
And after it has worked it's way through countless under ground streams or melted from glaziers which came from the bloody Ice Age, they stick it in a bottle and put a bloody sell by date on it.
(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

You don’t even want to compare it with perfume or after shave.

Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?


So they have you hooked for the ink. Someone calculated the cost of the ink at
(you won’t believe it ..... but it is true ........)

£5,200 per gal ... (five thousand two hundred pounds)
So, the next time you’re at the pump, be glad your car doesn’t run on water, or Tippex, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or, God forbid, Printer Ink!

Just a little humour to help ease the pain of your next trip to the petrol pump.
 

 

Buy a new husband in LondonA store that sells new husbands has just opened in London, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
 On the first floor the sign on the door reads:  Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.  She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. "That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:  Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.  "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.  "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.  She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
 PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex.  The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

 When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.
A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad or your Mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...

"You'd have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

 

GRANDPARENTS' ANSWERING MACHINE
Good morning. . . . At present we are not at home but, please Leave your message after you hear the beep.. beeeeeppp ...
If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, dial 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theatre start talking we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"

 

The Good Old Days

"When I were a lad, me mother would send me down to t'corner shop wi' a shilling, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs. Yer can't do that now.
Too many bloody security cameras

 

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several

months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck

 A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on him.
After a couple of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer,' How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?'
The husband couldn't believe his luck. So he looked up, smiled and said, That would suit me just fine!!'
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little.......just out of the corner of his left eye.

 

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. Longitude."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says "You must be a manager."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

 Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes.
As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies."

The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you."

But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."

This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue. A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today."

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."

But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today." Baffled, she started to wonder If she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.

Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary. "Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."

"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me."

Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face.
"Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."

 Jumping On the Bed
Gotta love women~
A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?, What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old".

The husband said, "What did he say about your 60 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.

 

Why Men Are Just Happier People

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom

because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks and engines.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

. Your underwear is £7.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife..

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

 

Dear reader,

It’s important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Ross. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Monica to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Barry died suddenly on November 29 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Sears Catalogue
Two rednecks were looking at a Sears
catalogue and admiring the models.
One says to the other, 'Have you seen
the beautiful girls in this catalogue?'


The second one replies, 'Yes, they are
very beautiful. And look at the price!'

The first one says, with wide eyes,
'Wow, they aren't very expensive.
At this price, I'm buying one.'

The second one smiles and pats him on the back.
'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful
as she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.'

Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his
friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you
ordered from the Sears catalogue?'

The second redneck replies......


'No, but it shouldn't be long now.
I got her clothes yesterday.

 CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets
exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.


Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Finally
CONFUCIUS SAY. .. .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

 

The other day I needed to go to the local NHS hospital but not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my blue jacket and pinned on a plastic ID card that I had made off the Internet onto the front of my jacket.


When I went into the hospital, I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

 It also works at all supermarkets. It saves me hours.

At the Launderette, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running!


Don't try it at McDonald's though..... The whole staff disappeared and I never got my order!!!!!

Also........... never wear it while trying to get a taxi!!

 

Worried your Pension will run short?
Senior health care solution....
So you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you - what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot any 2 MPs of your choice and 2 illegal immigrants!.
Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!
New teeth - no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered.
(And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now).
And who will be paying for all of this?
The same government that just told you that they cannot afford for you to go into a home.
Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?,

 



QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

 

 

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'?  Where's that extra penny going to?


Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


What disease did cured ham actually have?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They're going to see you naked anyway...


Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

They're both dogs!


If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough moneyWhy does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

 

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?


Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?


Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?


Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?


If people evolved from apes,

why are there still apes?


Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?


Is there ever a day that mattresses

are not on sale?


Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as wWhy do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?


Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?


How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?


When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'


arm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?


How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?


The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

 

The Winter Boots


    (Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her reception
class pupils put on his boots?
He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't
want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the
boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why
didn't you say so? ' like she wanted to.
Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off
his little feet.
No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my
brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the
boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'
He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

 

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so
not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

 

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite?   All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

 

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43who was looking for some hot action.  So I sent her my ironing.  That’ll keep the lazy devil busy.

 

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.  Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.

 

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.  That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.

 

Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”.  Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”

 

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house.  Turns out she was a Slovak.

 

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.  If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

 

Came home one day early in December to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone What sort of sick person does that to someone’s Advent calendar…?

 

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.  To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

 

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.  Nothing.

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat.  That’s rather a lot.  Apparently Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

 

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, and when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes…. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

 

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
 
Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
Softly, You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
Or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 
"Thanks," and returned to the stove,
Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,
"What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

 While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped
at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the
restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly
left her glasses on the table, and she didn't
miss them until they had been driving for
about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they
had to travel quite a distance before
they could find a place to turnaround,
in order to return to the restaurant to
retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband
became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded
his wife relentlessly during the entire
return drive. The more he chided her,
the more agitated he became. He just
wouldn't let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the
car, and hurried inside to retrieve her
glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

While you're in there, you might as well

get my hat and the credit card

 

 

THE BRITISH CONSTITUTION 
 They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .... 

 Why don't we just give them ours? It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for centuries and we're not using it anymore.. 

 

 

Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.  This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.   
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out. 
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance. 
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.    
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. 
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool and education. 
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request. 
Private, secure rooms for all, with an  exercise outdoor yard, with  gardens. 
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and
daily phone calls. 
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to. 

The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. 
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. 
Live in a tiny room and pay £900.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.   
Justice for all we say. 

Budget Airlines save money on uniforms 

 

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more oil! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more oil. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get oil? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

 

A lawyer and his brother were hunting. A mountain lion jumped out in front of them and started snarling.
The brother said "What should we do?"
The lawyer said "I'm gonna run for it."
The brother said "You can't outrun a mountain lion!"
The lawyer said "I don't have to outrun HIM-- I only have to outrun YOU."

 

A Scots boy came home from school and told his father he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the father, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The father scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. The Lord comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time The Lord looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
The Lord got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here"

 

A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.


A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a damn.

 
 
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